wanting to be right
While growing up we are constantly rewarded for being right. We want to score higher than our classmates, we want to jump higher, run faster, and win. We’re encouraged to win from a very early age, with our teachers grading our tests with cute A’s, and stars and various compliments if we “win”.
The trouble is that in the real world, where there’s no clear right and wrong answer, “winning” is a combination of a multitude of factors, much of which are outside our control. We “win” because there’s a fantastic machinery of people, processes, and products that have come together and the stars align in our favour. We believe we’re the ones that caught lightening in a bottle, failing to see that we stand on the shoulders of giants.
In every conversation, we try to win. We want to have the upper hand, even if the plaudits we’re competing for are “who had the most troubled childhood”, or “the most embarrassing memory”. We say “Oh you think that’s bad? Wait till you hear about the time…” We want to win, even in our misery. And what does it do to the “loser” of this contest? They don’t feel respected, valued or even heard. It’s not the kind of feeling we want to evoke in those around us - family, friends or colleagues.
When things go “our way” at work, some quickly rush to grab that win, to claim credit. When things go wrong, we, the paragons of wisdom, claim we knew it would fail all along. We want to be seen as winners, even in absolute failure. We let people down because we want to be right. This is where I guess Jeff Bezos’ famous “disagree and commit” comes from. We win together, we lose together.
If we put aside, even just for a moment, this on-going need for one-upmanship, we will see that the way to move forward is together. That it is not important where the idea came from, whose turn it is to do the dishes, or any number of “I told you so’s”.
What’s important is that we move forward together and build a relationship that will far outlast the “current thing” we’re bickering about.
If we want to truly win, we must leave the ego at the door.